New Year Reflections

January 15, 2006

By Mari Brodersen

Time certainly does seem to move along much more quickly as I get older.  2005 made its exit before I could even blink my eyes.  Now that 2006 is here, I’ve been doing my New Year routine of reflecting upon the past year, the gifts it brought, and how I handled the challenges sent my way. 

Last year, I was able to successfully handle a couple of challenges that I’d been struggling with for some years: my health and the emotional fallout from my divorce.

I’ll address the challenges first:

After struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome and trying various treatments over the past six years, I found a naturopath who should be elevated to sainthood!  The treatment regimen that she prescribed began to make a noticeable difference within a week.  My friends could see the difference in my mood right away (often, people with CFS are depressed because they’re so physically ill, mainstream doctors frequently don’t “believe in” CFS,” and there is no effective treatment for it).  As a side benefit to the treatment, I lost 10 pounds within the first two weeks.  I needed to lose weight, so I was thrilled about losing it without even trying.  Those 10 pounds have never come back.  Over the past several months, my health has continued to improve. 

As my health improved, I began to let go of the grief and anger surrounding my divorce.  It also helped that I worked with a life coach, who helped me to clarify my goals and to become empowered to handle life on my own

There were other challenges, of many years standing, against which I made little or no progress.  But I think that renewed health and energy will be helpful in dealing with them this year.

Then there were last year’s blessings:

My beautiful grandson made his way into the world, and I discovered a whole new kind of love.  He is definitely the greatest blessing of all!  He and his parents spent a whole week with me at Christmas, and it was truly the best Christmas that I’ve ever had!  I loved watching little Ivan’s eyes grow wide, and wider, when he first saw Christmas lights.  He captured the magic and beauty of Christmas, and shared it with all of us.

My son is a blessing every year.  As I got to know his girl friend better over the course of 2005, I came to love her and to respect her strength.  She is also a blessing.

I feel like I grew closer to my parents.  I had no problem with them.  It just seems that the love deepened.  Love is always a blessing.

And now what will 2006 bring?  As usual, I did not make resolutions.  In my experience, New Year’s resolutions are made to be broken.  So I make New Year’s goals every January, and I try to keep them to a manageable number.  If I set 18 goals, my energies will be scattered and less effective, and chances are pretty good that I will be disappointed at the end of the year.  But if I make only four or five goals, I will be able to focus and will feel more successful by the time December 31 arrives. 

My goals this year focus on dealing with more of my long-standing challenges.  Of course, as with every year, there will be new challenges to handle as well.

Who knows what blessings 2006 will bring?  Each year is a new beginning.  Each day is a new beginning.  Each hour is a new beginning.  Anything is possible!

Samhain Blessings

I’ve always lived in the desert, and I’ve always welcomed Autumn as a relief from the heat and humidity of Summer (yes, it gets humid here!). Even growing up in a small farming town, I didn’t see Autumn as a time of harvest; after all, crops of various kinds grow here all year round.  I considered it almost another Spring, because it was now cool enough again for plants to flower, and the cooler weather had become invigorating.  And, ever since I can remember, I have always looked forward to Halloween.  I loved jack o’ lanterns, wearing a costume, trick-or-treating with my siblings and friends, and listening to my mother and nanny talk very matter-of-factly about conversing with loved ones who had passed years before.

March 2005

It’s March – the month that signals the beginning of my favorite season, the time when Persephone returns from the Underworld, flowers blossoming in her footprints.  It has always been a magical time for me.

As a child, I was enchanted by the sight of rosebuds swelling a little more each day, until finally they had no choice but to burst open into fragrant color.  It was nothing short of miraculous to poke seeds into the soil and, several days later, to find tiny plantlets right where the seeds had gone into the ground.  Spring was a magical season.  Even now, as an adult, I still love the magic of Spring and the mysteries of Persephone. 

In my adult world, I celebrate Persephone’s return every year with a spring cleaning and filling the house with fresh flowers and candles in Spring shades of lavender, yellow, green, and pink.  As Spring approaches, I feel renewed vitality flowing through my body and soul.  My physical energy improves as the days grow longer.  My sense of wonder grows as hummingbirds dart among the flowers, and the scents of desert wildflowers and citrus blossoms drift through the valley.  My soul feels a surge of creativity, and I can’t wait to begin new projects.  Spring is an exquisite gift, a reaffirmation of life.

Gifts appear, sometimes unexpectedly, at this time of year.  Last year, it was a feral cat bringing her newborn kitten into my home.  Both decided to stay and become members of my family.  The Equinox kitten has brought laughter and light-heartedness back into my world with her playfulness, energy, and the pranks she pulls on the adult cats.  She has brought the wisdom of play into my life, a most precious gift.

What new gifts will Persephone bring this Spring?  Look within, and allow the season’s energies to fill your heart and soul.   What new energies are coming into your life?  What needs to be given expression?  What needs to be renewed or replenished?  Be open to laughter, sunlight, creative inspirations, and joy – which are only the beginnings of Persephone’s bounteous gifts.  More will follow.

Bio: I'm a Therapist in private practice, Certified Life Coach,
and Spiritual Teacher in Arizona


In my private life, I am an ordained Priestess in
the Fellowship of Isis and the founder of Temenos

Iseum, a hearth of the Goddess.  I also write about
Depression in Women" for Suite 101
(http://www.suite101.com/welcomecfm/depression_women),

and co-host three discussion boards at Care2.com.

SURVIVING LOSS

Have you ever noticed that sometimes we can just be walking along life’s path, just doing our own thing, when some event suddenly hits us?  It may hit us hard enough to stun us, disorienting us and pushing us off our happy path.  Confusion, loss, and pain accompany such a blow, and our old ways of coping may no longer work.  Most women over the age of 40 have experienced such an event.

So there we are – stunned and unable to move forward, disoriented, and in pain.  What do we do now?

Well, first of all, cry and rage if you need to.  It does no good to hold those feelings in, nor can they be magically transformed into peace and joy overnight.  So allow yourself to be with the pain and anger.  It’s okay, but remember that – even though feelings are what they are, it is up to us to decide to deal with them in an ethical manner.  We do not have the right to inflict pain upon others.

Once you have given yourself permission to have your feelings, take a look at how you care for yourself.  Are you exercising, eating the right diet for you, and getting enough sleep?  How are you doing spiritually?  Establish a daily rhythm that feels right for you.

Remember to maintain your spiritual practice, especially through unsettling times.  If you can’t do so, then consider keeping a daily journal of at least three things you are grateful for each day. 

Continue working as much as possible in order to keep your mind and body busy.  Many women feel that, by continuing to work, they are able to keep contributing; and they find it too isolating to stay at home all the time.

Are you socializing?  Do you allow family and friends to offer their support?  People who care about us often feel hurt if we don’t allow them to be helpful.  On the other hand, this might be a good time to eliminate negative people from your circle.

When we’re reeling from a loss, it’s best to avoid making major life decisions.  We tend to regret later on any decisions made during a time of stress, grief, loss, or anger.  Definitely, our decision-making abilities aren’t working too well during these times.

It is also wise to avoid impulsive behaviors or “quick fixes,” such as overspending your budget, turning to alcohol or drugs, and starting to date too soon.  The latter is a rampant problem among those who have been recently widowed or divorced, partly because our culture says that women have to be partnered if they are to have any worth, and partly because of loneliness.  But the truth of the matter is that, following loss, we need time to heal.  We need to get acquainted with who we are at this stage of our journey, to re-evaluate our lives, to reclaim parts of ourselves that may have been submerged in order to make another person happy, and to focus on our potential.  Only after we come to terms with these important issues, usually after a period of about two to three years, can we make wise decisions about who we want to let into our lives.

Remember that the one-year rule is arbitrary, and is based on cultural expectations that a year is the maximum time one should spend in healing from a major loss.  Most women tell me that it takes a good two to three years to work their way out of the pain and to blossom into their full strength.  Once they have reached that point, then they are ready to decide whether or not they want to date.  At least one woman of my acquaintance found that she was happier being single.

Sometimes it becomes necessary to seek professional help.  If you feel hopeless, depressed, or suicidal; or if you can’t get out of bed in the morning, see a doctor or a therapist.  You don’t have to continue feeling that way, because help is available.

If you need guidance with financial planning and legal issues, seek professional help if you must.

Moving forward can seem like a very slow and prolonged process.  In this article, I’ve listed some resources and tools.  Use the tools that feel right to you.  Use all the resources you can.  And remember that this is your life.

TURNING 50

I’ve tried approaching this article in a number of ways, and nothing really seems to convey what I’ve been thinking and feeling about turning 50.  This is the most recent approach, and I think it  will have to suffice – for now.

I stand on the verge of turning 50.  I’ve been told that 50 marks the beginning of “middle age” these days.  Well, I am middle-aged, no doubt about it!  My once skinny frame, which had to be coaxed into gaining a single pound, has somehow morphed into a plump, motherly shape.  And I have some of those “age spots” on my face, which all the women in my mother’s family eventually get.  I no longer have the almost-manic energy that I was blessed with in my teens and 20’s.  And my hips and knees complain a lot.

I want to enter “middle age” with my body as healthy as possible, for I come from a long-lived line.  I want the next decades to be comfortable and active, and I want to be able to contribute to the world around me

I’ve made some command decisions about health which include paying more attention to the need for rest, regular stretching exercise, and a change in diet.  The latter is not a change in what I eat, so much as a change in how I eat.  Rather than ingesting three too-large meals a day, I “graze” a little all day, which keeps me from feeling too hungry, which keeps me from eating too much.  That’s how I recently lost 10 pounds.

In addition to physical health, I’ve been examining my spiritual health.  As 50 approaches, I’ve been asking:  What have I learned?  What goals have I met?  What good have I accomplished?  What am I most thankful for?  What “baggage” have I been carrying?  What needs to be jettisoned?   I want to move into the future with hope and without regrets. 

Moving forward will include answering more questions, such as:  What do I want my life to be like now, and in the future?  Where can I make some creative changes?  How can I bring more joy and love and humor into my life?  How can I be more flexible in my approach to life?  What unexplored avenues will I follow?  What is my contribution to the world?  Is there anything more that I can contribute?   The answers probably will not be hard and fast.  In fact, I assume that they will evolve over time.  The longer I live, the more aware I become that nothing is immutable.

I stand on the verge of 50 . . .

RECEIVING

Several weeks ago, a friend and I were talking about women’s lives and reviewing all the care that women give to others.  Children, of course, need care.  Men demand it.  Women take care of their – usually – older spouses in old age.  Women take care of their own ageing parents, often while caring for their own children and grandchildren.

The question naturally arose:  Given that we are trained to give until drained, and then to give some more, how do we open ourselves to receiving what we need?

I pondered that for some days.  I had recently read Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, and had been working on applying the laws.  The second law is “The Law of Giving,” which Chopra says could also be called “The Law of Giving and Receiving.”  At the end of the chapter, he gives three affirmations for applying this particular law.  The second affirmation reads:  “Today I will gratefully receive all the gifts that life has to offer me.  I will receive the gifts of nature: sunlight and the sound of birds singing, or spring showers or the first snow of winter.  I will also be open to receiving from others, whether it be in the form of a material gift, money, a compliment, or a prayer.”

What does it take to be “open to receiving from others”?

First of all, we have to feel that we deserve to receive.  Many women feel that they aren’t “worthy.”  These same women also feel drained and many have become chronically depressed or have chronic physical illnesses.  They have gotten into these depleted states because they have given and given, and haven’t received anything in return.  You can run on an energy deficit for only so long.   

So the first step is coming to an awareness that we do indeed deserve some of life’s goodness, that it’s not only okay, but absolutely necessary, to receive from others the nurturing that we have given.  We cannot survive without it.

The second step is to meditate or pray, to envision the heart center being open to all goodness, all of life’s good things, to all the good one needs.  When not meditating or praying, we need to be aware of the beauty, goodness, and potential to be nurtured all around us.  But do not obsess about it, for obsession is fear-based.  Merely allow what you need to come to you.

The third step is that the goodness we receive will begin to come to us.  It may not be in the form which we imagined, but it will come.  It may be a letter of appreciation, an unexpected thank you card, a loving smile, another driver being courteous to you during rush hour.  However it manifests, you will recognize it because it will make you smile – not a social smile, but the kind of smile that comes from deep within.

The fourth step is to go into meditation or prayer, and to give thanks for the good that has manifested!  Do so with a full heart.

The fifth step is to continue with the realization that you do deserve life’s goodness, with the prayer and meditation, allowing what you need to come into your life, recognizing it when it does, and giving thanks again.

It really does work!

  THE MUSE IS GONE

My Muse has disappeared for a while.  She does that from time to time, and I’ve had to learn to live with the cycle of creativity, including the fallow phase, which is where I am currently.  Historically, this fallow phase has been the most difficult for me, and I’ve even mistaken it for depression.  During this phase, I don’t have a lot of energy.  I would be perfectly content to spend most of my time in the sun with my cats and a stack of good books, sipping iced chai.  Or idly shopping for unique things for the home, pretty clothes, or even more books.  Or watching movies.  Though it’s a fallow time, with little creative energy, it seems to be a time to passively fill my senses.

Toward the end of this fallow phase, I will become restless and bored.  I will begin creative projects, only to quickly discard them in frustration.  The restlessness stems from the fact that my creative ideas are not ready yet to fly, while at the same time I’m starting to feel a gradual increase in energy.  Restlessness and boredom, and even irritability, result from that frustrating combination.  Fortunately, this is the shortest phase of my creative cycle.

Then the Muse returns, like Persephone from the Underworld, filling my life with fresh energy and ideas.  I write, make jewelry, do needlework, and feel like I have come alive again. Whether I’m at work or play, I sense more fully my connection with the Divine.  All is well in my world while the Muse is with me.  But, inevitably, she leaves again.

Time: Kronos or Kairos?

Author: Mari Brodersen
Originally Published on February 1, 2001 at http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/living_simply

How many of us can truthfully say that we have plenty of time for everything that is important to us? How many of us feel that we have wasted time, that we should do more with our time?

What is time? In The Elegant Universe, Brian Greene tells us that time is a dimension and that "most of an object's motion is through time, not space." That's the science viewpoint. Jean Shinoda Bolen gives us another point of view in Close to the Bone, in which she explains two very different kinds of time: kronos and kairos.

Kronos time is what we live with on a daily basis. It is measured by clocks, hours, minutes and seconds. It often seems to be more of a nemesis or taskmaster than a friend. There is rarely enough of it, and we feel stressed out as we race the clock to go about our regular activities. Kronos time is what we schedule and make appointments in.

Kairos time, on the other hand, flows gently -- allowing us to be in the moment. We participate in kairos time, rather than racing to catch up with it. Kairos time may occur during meditation, the creative process, rocking a baby, reading a well-written book, and other activities that are personally meaningful to us. One is wholly absorbed in the moment, unhurried and unaware of time passing. These are the moments that nurture our souls.

Steven R. Covey asks, in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, "Is getting more things done in less time going to make a difference, or will it just increase the pace at which I react to the people and circumstances that seem to control my life? Could there be something I need to see in a deeper, more fundamental way -- some paradigm within myself that affects the way I see my time, my life, and my own nature?" The answers to these questions can help us to discern between kronos time and kairos time.

In The Simple Living Guide, Janet Luhrs advises us to "think of time as sacred." When we think of it that way, it becomes easier to set limits and to say "no." If we consider our time as sacred, we will evaluate and reevaluate commitments and priorities. Which activities nurture us, and which drain us? Can we afford to say "yes" to joining a group we have been asked to join? Think very carefully before adding more "stuff to do" into your life. Ms. Luhrs says, "We need to be able to discriminate between activities . . . When we lack discrimination . . . (w)e say yes to every other activity or task that comes our way because we think we need to accomplish . . . constantly. We can't keep up . . . Then anxiety sets in. We need to look at every new temptation very carefully and ask ourselves what it will do to our lives. If it is absolutely necessary, or if it will add to our lives in a positive, not frenetic, way, then we should say yes. Otherwise, our lives will be better off if we allow more open, free-flowing time by saying no."

If we think of time as sacred, we will allow ourselves time to be alone, during which we can recharge our emotional batteries. We will allow ourselves time to pursue those things that truly enrich our lives, the things that we love to do, and the things that we need to do in order to maintain our physical and mental health.

I challenge all of us to make room in our lives for kairos time!